Why me? Devastating Miscarriage at 10 weeks

I never thought I would have a miscarriage at 10 weeks

Here I am in Crested Butte the same place where I conceived baby #3. I never thought I would be here recovering from my miscarriage at 10 weeks. First of all, I never thought I would miscarry in the first place. Never thought it would be me. I’m sharing my story in a very public way because I want others to know they are not alone. Even though that’s what I feel. Alone.

Before I got pregnant with number 3.

With my oldest child, Margaret, I didn’t have a period until I stopped breastfeeding. I breastfed for a year and once I stopped, I got my cycle back in 3-4 weeks. I breastfed my second child until she was 1. After I stopped, I immediately got my first covid vaccine. The reason I am sharing this is that the only difference between weaning kid number 1 and 2. I never got my period back.

After 3 months of being period-free, I began to worry. So I saw my gynecologist. He assured me that everything was okay. And if I was this stressed out, he would prescribe a 10-day prescription of hormones to jump-start my cycle. I took the prescription in late May. My cycle never returned.

A few months had passed, and I started to get excited about traveling with my girls. I started my family travel blog and was planning trips. I was no longer worried about not having a cycle. Yes. I blamed the covid vaccine for taking away my fertility but felt blessed with the two children I had. I was okay and was actively trying NOT to get pregnant. Occasionally I would take a pregnancy test just to be sure. I thought after seeing the negative result my period would return.

The Day I found out I was pregnant

On Thursday, October 14th I dropped my 3-year-old, Margaret, off at school. I had a little bit of time before my 1-year-old, Weezie’s, follow-up doctor appointment. And decided to go to Walgreens to get face wash. While I was there, I purchased a pregnancy test. I took it without thought only for it to turn positive quickly. I called my husband, Craig, crying. Not with excitement but the oh-shit-we-weren’t-trying-what-are-we-going-to-do type of phone call. I was leaving for a bachelorette party in 8 days. This was not the plan… I was stressed with the thought of giving enough attention to each kid.

The turning point

After our dinner, I came home extremely grateful. I never had issues getting pregnant. The opposite. I had now accidentally gotten pregnant twice and my other pregnancy was planned to the day. I felt like it was meant to be. It took one day. One day to realize how incredibly fortunate I was and to get excited about this baby!

On October 27^th, I had a sonogram and heard the baby’s heartbeat. It was strong! I called my husband and he said, “I had no doubt it would be strong.” I was thrilled to learn that not only was there a strong heartbeat but there was only one heartbeat. I was excited about being a family of 5 and wasn’t ready to be a family of 6!

For 36 Days

During the 36 days I was pregnant, I did a lot. I never thought I would have a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I got away with hiding my pregnancy at a 4-day bachelorette party in Palm Springs. Convinced my husband we needed to go to Paris and booked our flights. I washed maternity clothes and purchased a new pair of maternity leggings. We started discussing baby names for another girl because we “knew” it was a girl. I met with my interior designer and discussed the baby’s room. Booked the genetic test appointment for December 1^st. I planned a big surprise party to not only reveal we were pregnant but to share with everyone the sex of our baby. I purchased the gender reveal balloon. To say I was excited would be an understatement. I was thrilled.  

The Beginning of the End

On the evening of November 19th, I started to spot. It was after hours therefore I called the on-call gynecologist. He asked me all of the normal questions like, “How far along are you?  Have you heard a heartbeat? Do you have any other children and if so, did you carry them to term? Have you ever miscarried?” One question he asked was, “are you cramping?” No, I was not. He said I could either come into the ER for reassurance that evening or get in with my doctor the following day. I opted for the next day. ER visits are expensive after all.

That night, I googled nonstop. I came to the conclusion that many women spot during their pregnancy and end up having healthy babies. I also read that cramping was not good and the fact that I wasn’t cramping was a good sign. If anything, maybe my spotting, a new symptom to me, meant I was having a boy. Craig wasn’t worried.  

The Doctor’s Appointment

The next day I dropped Weezie off at school and had Margaret. We had suspected Margaret had an ear infection and kept her home. I called the doctor’s office the minute they opened and they said I could come in right away. I dropped Margaret off at Craig’s office. We hadn’t told her we were pregnant yet. We were waiting to reveal our pregnancy to the family and a 3-year-old isn’t the best secret keeper.

After over an hour in the waiting room, I had a sonogram. I saw the baby and sack. The baby’s heartbeat was no longer. I had lost the baby. The next hour is a blur. I cried. I called Craig crying. He was not expecting this news. I waited for the doctor. During this time, I called my sister crying. She had no idea I was pregnant. I waited. And waited. Finally, my doctor came in. I had an option to pass the baby at home or have a D & C procedure. I opted to go home. He said I would need to come back in a week to make sure everything went correctly. I already had an appointment set for my gender reveal test. Now. Instead of getting tested to find out the sex of my baby, I will be making sure everything went okay with my miscarriage.

The worst 24 hours

We were supposed to go to Colorado the next morning and decided to delay. I was a mess and couldn’t think about packing. That night was a blur and the next morning, Saturday, Craig took charge of the girls. I was upset and packed between crying fits. We discussed canceling our trip. I wanted to get away and we decided to leave the following day. I needed a break and went to get my nails done. In the car, I started cramping. Bad. I immediately turned my car around, parked, and crawled into my bed. Craig was outside with the girls and had no idea I was home.

The cramping got bad, and I made my way to the bathroom. I knew what was happening. They were not cramps after all but contractions. I had the baby. It was small, but it was a baby, my baby. My tiny baby had eyes, arms, legs and was the size of a silver dollar. I sat there crying. My physical pain was gone but the emotional pain was horrible. I showed Craig our child when Margaret was in the other room. Tears filled up in his eyes. We proceeded to bury our child in a jewelry box. It was the best box we could find. I felt like this was perfect since she would’ve been fancy just like her sisters. Looking back, I wish I had flowers or something pretty but it was not what we were expecting. All I knew at the time is that I couldn’t flush my child down the toilet.

Life after a miscarriage at 10 weeks

I was 9 weeks, 6 days pregnant when I discovered there was no heartbeat. I had my miscarriage at 10 weeks. 10 weeks. According to my research, there is only a 2-4% chance of miscarriage at this point in pregnancy. And I was shocked to learn I miscarried after hearing such a strong heartbeat. I can’t help but blame myself. Did I miscarry because of the numerous glasses of wine I had before I discovered I was pregnant? Or the burpees and exercise I did the morning I started bleeding? Was it all the sweets I had consumed?

1 out of 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most of them are in the first trimester. I never in a million years would’ve thought I would be part of this statistic. The only people that truly understand are the ones that have been there. It doesn’t matter at what point in your pregnancy you miscarry; it is difficult no matter what.

What do I do now? I’m not exactly sure. I am now hugging my daughters a little tighter, kissing them more often, and thinking about the what if. What if I had not miscarried? Would the baby be born on my birthday? The baby was due only 4 days after my birthday. Would my baby and my friend’s baby share the same birthday? There are so many what-ifs… I know I will be fine. Time heals all wounds. I will never forget this child that shared my body for a short time. And I will never stop loving it.